You Don’t Say -Vol 69 By Ray Hudson

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Ray Hudson
Ray Hudson
Ray Hudson

Is Mercury Retrograde or Something?

 Yesterday my trusty computer let me down for the first time, while I was wearing my fingertips to the bone trying to meet my deadline (when else?). I’m still recovering from the trauma of watching two articles, about 3,000 words trapped behind the silly little beach ball spinning and spinning and spinning, ad infinitum. Message: digital middle digit! Mercury must be retrograde!

 The only way out was to throw the switch on the computer and hope there would be some document recovery that was more usable than when my puppy peed on my homework in Grade 10.

In a previous PC computer-bound life I had suffered similar crashes when a large corel graphic newsletter would irretrievably vanish, but since I got my iMAC, I have enjoyed the fools paradise of not being as vigilant and saving frequently. Mia Culpa.

Sucking it up, I fell on my light saber before my editor, who graciously allowed me extra time to clean up my mess and get the work done. So for my penance, this week I turned to the “hair on the dog” got “back in the saddle” and plunged into Internet Land in search of computer/internet related words that could be both entertaining and express my guilt through verbal flagellation of your careless (but lovable) scribe.

What I discovered was that I had a wetware failure. Wetware is an elegantly descriptive word for brain. Trusting the computer, I discovered, is like ignoring the advice I got on my first trip to Hawaii: don’t turn your back on the ocean. I figuratively turned my back on my computer and a digital tsunami swallowed my priceless (in my mind at least) prose. What an ID10T.

I remembered some time ago reading an article that said the computer was a sentient creature and would react to my electrical/emotional field. This I can attest to as gospel. The closer the deadline got, the closer I got to becoming a cappuccino cowboy requiring a Starbucks/Tims/Waves coffee in order to function. This much caffeine of course cranks up the tension in my aura and my computer simply packs up and goes into it’s digital garden to eat worms (or viruses or trojans) while I work up to stroke or heart attack. The only reboot code is namaste.  Sigh!

So spread the news by word-of-mouse, (word of mouth for gossip) save your work frequently. Do you grok that? (get it/ like it/ understand it?) If you feel like Robert Heinlein, a Stranger in a Strange one could be forgiven.

So here are several tech behaviours you might want to avoid:
– Don’t be a wall humper: someone who raises their rump to swipe an electronic data card without removing it from the hip pocket. Anyone want to try with a Compass Card?

– A Seagull Manager:  one who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves

And finally, a POTATO – a Person Over Thirty Acting Twenty-One.

That should clip the wings on your shiny little boots!

See you next week