by Ray Hudson
Writing a column on a beautiful summer-like afternoon in May is sort of like having to finish your homework when all the other kids are outside playing so I let my thoughts out to play instead and considered some of the most puzzling things ever to trouble a deep thinker such as Descartes, Nietzsche or Bart Simpson.
First you have to have a few guiding beliefs such as those I found expressed by none other than Samuel Clemens (otherwise known as Mark Twain);
To succeed in life, he postulated, you need two things: ignorance and confidence! And it was with this truth that I fully accepted the next bit of wisdom from the Mississippi Master: A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
He also advised that when we’re out about the world, always do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
However, unable to accept that a person with a clear conscience is simply someone with a bad memory, I sought the wisdom from another great sage, George Carlin who asked the profound question: If “I am” is the shortest sentence in the English language, could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? (bada-boom!)
Carlin also asked: when someone is impatient and says ‘I haven’t got all day” I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
Some would say you have eternity, but not the atheists, they don’t believe in God. That’s okay God probably doesn’t believe in atheists either, after all, Atheism is a non-prophet organization! (rim shot and cymbal crash).
And here is yet another universal view which comes from the scientists who say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
So consider this:
– How come you never see a headline like: “Psychic wins lottery?”
– If you spend a lot of time doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
– How do they get Teflon to stick to pans?
– Does the person who claims to have been ‘born again’ have two belly buttons?
– Why do hot dog wieners come in packs of 8 while hot dog buns come in bags of 12?
– If the police arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
– Is there another word for synonym and
– How can they pre-board a plane? Don’t they have to board it in order to pre-board it?
Well, now that I’ve challenged you to think about many of life’s mysteries, I hope you can find some time to enjoy a warm spring afternoon with a smile. Here’s some good advice from American Humourist Will Rogers: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
See you next week.