(What) You Don’t Say (to the Officer)

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Ray Hudson

You Don’t Say – Vol 29 by Ray Hudson

Ray Hudson
Ray Hudson

I think it’s brilliant! Cst. Ian MacDonald of the Abbotsford Police Department (APD) has posted some twenty excuses their officers hear from drivers they’ve pulled over for a variety of vehicular offenses.

The anecdotes, posted on their Twitter and Facebook pages, are intended to raise road safety awareness. Judging by the number of views and the amount of media attention the APD is receiving, it certainly is raising awareness and doing so with a good shot of humour. Here’s a sampling (italics are my thoughts):

– A drunk driver jumps into a marked APD cruiser thinking it’s a cab and says, “Get me outta here buddy, cops are everywhere tonight!” Oh well, at least the cruiser didn’t have a meter, although I’ll bet the fee was substantial.

– A speeding driver when stopped said, “I saw the lights and heard the siren but didn’t think all that fanfare was for me!” A guest of honour with humility, wow!

– An impaired man driving a riding lawnmower on the sidewalk, upon learning his ride was to be impounded said, “The joke is on you! I have another one at home!” The unkindest cut of all – Shakespeare!

– A driver pulled over after officer sees an icy windshield with a small patch scraped clear in front of the driver, “I wasn’t trying to see the whole road, just the part I was using.” Stunning logic!

– A speeding driver, “It is an emergency. My husband called and the baby’s crying. Heading home to calm them both down.”

– Driver: “This is my first ticket ever!” Officer: “Except for the one I gave you for running the same stop sign two weeks ago.” Oooops!

– Driver: “I wasn’t on the phone, you’re mistaken.” APD Officer: “It’s still in your hand.” Driver: “You’re still mistaken.” Her Hogwarts invisibility cloak must have slipped.

But just once in a lifetime you get one back, and it has generated a great deal of fun for me over the years. It was about 1965. I was zipping across King Edward Avenue in Vancouver, in my 1949 Austin A40. It was about 3:45 in the morning, and I was heading home after my evening shift at the White Spot, followed by a usual wind-down at an all night coffee shop. Just past Granville I was pulled over by a Motorcycle officer who strode regally over to my car and asked that amazing question, “Alright, where’s the fire?” I replied by pointing out of my windshield and replying, “It’s right there!” For a heartbeat or two he just stared at me in disbelief, but I kept pointing out of the window toward the west. Slowly (it seemed) he turned his gaze to follow my finger and stood quiet for a beat while he took in the scene of flames leaping into the night sky somewhere around 25th and Dunbar. Then I explained that I was coming home from work (all the officers were regulars at the White Spots in those days) and I said, “That’s very close to where I live.”   His response was something like this, “Well take it easy,” and as he mounted his Harley he added, “see you at the fire!” and drove off. Betcha he never used that line again!

So the next time you’re pulled over for being naughty behind the wheel, these are the things you don’t say, because they’ve already been tried and found wanting. And if you are asked where the fire is, you’d better have a really good answer. Great work APD!

If you’d like to see all the entries go to: https://www.facebook.com/AbbyPoliceDept