This week we Canadians have been treated to an amazing display of international diplomacy from that steely-eyed, blond leader of the western world. Imagine, Canada home of goodwill and free advice on the nuances of Canadian Tire money, not to mention Tim Horton, committing such disgusting behavior as countenancing supply management. Will the degradation north of the 49th parallel ever end? Forgive us father for we have sinned. We’re sorry for being such lousy neighbours (Genuine groveling Canadian apology).
The newboy in Washington, has had a bad week, unable to get anything done in his country. So to demonstrate his virility, prove his mojo, his machoness, his manhood, we understand he must beat someone up – after all we can’t be fired. So I guess that’s our role in this soap opera!
So to fight back, I began researching the wit and wisdom lurking in the great white north. I found a few good verbal weapons with which to strike back.
Given what’s happened this week, there’s no comment more appropriate than that offered by someone named J. C. Ogelsby: Canada and Mexico, as the saying goes, have one common problem between them. Amen!
Adeli Stevenson, former US political success story, founding member of the United Nations and an individual too smart to succeed in two presidential runs, penned this bargain: if you will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about you.
And the late George Carlin got it right when he observed: In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. So let’s examine that problem:
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States (J. Bartlet Brebner)
Donald you have to get to know us better:
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations, it’s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Canada could have enjoyed: English government, French culture, And American know-how. Instead it ended up with: English know-how, French government, and American culture. (John Robert Colombo) would you like poutine with that?
Canadians are an ambivalent lot: One minute they’re peacekeepers, next minute they punch the hell out of each other on the ice rink. (Ken Wiwa)
We have the Mounties, you have the FBI. Can you imagine the FBI doing the Musical Ride? – (Mulder and Sculley on Shetland Ponies) – Dave Broadfoot
And who can forget “Due South” with Diefenbaker the Death Defying Dachsund (Siberian Huskey just doesn’t work with the alliteration)
Canadians often point out that while the American constitution promises “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” the constitution of Canada–written in the 1860s in England–sets a more modest goal: “Peace, order, and good government.” (Contain your excitement DT) to prove once and for all that when you have your head up your star spangled sky, we have our feet on the ground!
Under the headline of “We know who we are” In the 1970s, CBC Radio’s “This Country In The Morning” held a competition whose goal was to compose the conclusion to the phrase: “As Canadian as…” The winning entry read: “… possible, under the circumstances.”
So hail Caeser, we salute you! God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with you! If you mess with us too much we’ll hack into your TV Networks, and flood your internet channels with… NON-STOP CURLING live from Joe Batts Arm, or Moose Jaw, or Medicine Hat or Dildo Newfoundland, Unity and Climax Saskatchwan and Spuzzum BC!
Mess with us will ya? I’ll leave the last words to our enforcer extraordinaire, Rick Mercer:
The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend… and sometimes we’d like to give them such a smack!